Thursday, December 16, 2004

starting this thing off

I've been at my new job for a month now, and don't have programming software installed on my computer; I'm a full-time software engineer. This puts me in a bit of an odd situation, as I need programming software to program. I spent the last week and a half devouring the internet's free resources to learn the finer workings of Visual Studio .NET, but there's only so much you can learn without the ability to gain practical experience. And so, I've resorted to wasting time.... thus the blog.

I'm still trying to balance everything out in my current routine. I just moved to New York (well, 3 months ago, but I'm slow), and have made the gigantic switch from having nothing but my thoughts to juggle to having all sorts of mundane shit to juggle. I now have my own apartment (minus the landlord's promised repairs), a great job (minus the ability to actually be productive), a daily workout routine at the gym across the street (which I intend to actually join one of these days), and my new custom electric guitar (I still have to wire it, but god it's beautiful).... I'm all set.

Every time I move, I become a different person, but I usually end up lost in daydreams, always pondering my perception of reality. It hasn't been that way at all in this place.... I've been your regular badass go-getter, but I felt the haze for the first time today. That question of "what does this all mean?" drifted in, and my rushed pace slowed slightly. I haven't really had the time or patience for thorough reflection since I got here, but everything's sort of 'on hold' again.... and that's when time slows, allowing me to start filling in the gaps with persistent thought.

Before I let myself become too useless, I need to strategize some things. I might have a big moonlighting coding project to do, but I won't know until early January, and even then, I have to double check with my regular employer to make sure that there's no conflict of interest... there won't be, but it's just going to be awkward telling them that I haven't been coding for them, but I'm going to for someone else (although they could just give me the appropriate software....). This project will actually be a really good thing, but I'm always hesitant to jump into new things.

I also just started dating someone. She's intelligent, but is very reserved... I'm shy too, so I'm not sure how drawn out this whole 'getting to know eachother' phase will be. We had one date so far, and it went well... I think she feels comfortable with me, but I'll have a better indication on our second date. I rarely bother to get involved with people, but I'm enjoying this budding relationship so far, but am trying to find a balance between being strategic and being too controlling.

All of these things are a drain on my mental resources; once shit is in motion, I'll be able to get back to work on answering the big question, but right now, I'm so distracted by the constant need to make decisions... I hate making decisions.

Well, that's all I feel like saying for now... there's your indication of how fucking scattered I am right now.