Wednesday, February 02, 2005

nuts and bolts

Chicks like to fondle me. Creepy guys like to stand behind me and look at the camera evilly... probably grinding up against the couch. If you're a chick, you straight up want to fuck me right now. If you're a guy, you may have been secure in your sexuality five minutes ago, but now that you've seen this picture of me, you're a little confused. I'm pretty much the shit.

I'm beautiful on the outside, and unless you know me, you'd think that I'm beautiful on the inside... but we all have our little secrets, don't we? You know... our little unmentioned problems that we're ashamed to talk about. Does anyone here know what I mean?

"I do... I bite my nails." That's simply gross.
"And I sometimes snort when I laugh." Sickening.
"I wash my hands twice after going to the bathroom." Just nasty.

You guys are really making me sick... I'm not sure that I want to talk about this anymore. In fact, I think I won't.

Well... since we're already gathered around the campfire and all.. I guess I could go ahead and tell you what my little physiological 'fault' is; I have testicular dysplasia. Somehow, before I was born, when my private parts were forming, one of my testicles got lodged into the shaft of my penis, just below the head. It never quite grew in properly, but ended up becoming big enough to be a bit of a problem. I'm not sterile or anything... so I can still have illegitimate children, and that's what really matters.

When I was in elementary school, my problem became public knowledge. I was at a slumber party with a bunch of guys, and we all ended up naked for some reason... you know how little kids' games go. Because the penis has what's called a 'head', and my left nut is lodged into what would then be my dick's 'neck', they used to call my left nut a 'goiter'. I must have had Goiter as a nickname for at least four years in school. That hurt me... it really did.

Because my left nut doesn't produce sperm, during puberty, my right nut decided that it had to work overtime to compensate. Because of this, my right nut became very large. Thank god nobody found out about that one... but I make sure to never cross my legs... it's very visible when I do so.

Here... I drew a little diagram for you.. You may want to click on that to see a bigger copy of it... this is important information:

You may have noticed that I included the diamond stud on there from when I recently got my dick pierced. Yeah... they poked that thing right through my left nut. Fun times.

Okay... so I have a testicle lodged into the shaft of my dick... not the end of the world. Here's the big problem though... you know those tubes that transmit the sperm from testicles to the base of the penis? Those aren't intended to stretch too far... so when my penis becomes erect, there's a game of a 'tug of war' going on. Erections are actually fairly painful for me. My dick is pretty much trained to bend toward the left, because of the tension that comes from my left nut's cords. I drew another picture to show you what my dick looks like when it's hard. This one's from a bottom view:

As you'd probably guess, this makes sex a bit difficult. I mean, I can do it, but whoever gets it has to be very understanding. Having sex with me is a bit abnormal... my dick has to be forced in sideways pretty much. Try explaining that one to someone on a date.

So... now you all know my big secret. If I regain the nickname 'Goiter', so be it. I'm not too worried... even if I was walking around with my "pig's tail" of a dick hanging out, you'd still be fondling me. I'm guessing that even as you were reading all this shit, you were fondling yourself, from having seen my picture at the top of this post.