congratulations are in order!
My brother and his wife have decided to have a baby! You're the first to hear this... even they don't know it yet. Although they've only been married for six months or so, my brother can be quoted to say, "God, it feels like a lifetime already." That means it's the perfect time to move on to the next level... what better way to rekindle a dying love than to bring into the picture a little bundle of financial burden! "Oh, we'll love him... he won't be a burden." Even better!
He will be a boy and his name will be Hairold. If it pops out a girl, they're going to 'scrap it and try again'... they really want a boy, and they really want to name him Hairold. Little Hairy is going to be the life of any party, and quite the ladykiller. "Damnit, I'm related to Rand's brother and/or Rand's sister-in-law.... I won't be able to partake of the sexual treasure that will be Hairy." Says who?... If you were truly a relative, you'd already know that 'it's all good, babe.' I'm going to be the best uncle in the world, teaching little Hairy everything he needs to know about the true meaning of life and the uncle Randy policy of 'it's all good, kid.... I can keep a secret if you can.'
For those of you who know my brother and/or my sister-in-law, feel free to congratulate them immediately. What better way to brighten up the holidays than by spreading this unfounded rumor! If you really want to play your cards right, congratulate the soon-to-be grandparents first.... Hairy will be the first grandchild for all four of them... who would have thought they'd live to see the day?