Thursday, December 23, 2004

happy anniversary

Happy anniversary, everyone. That's right, this blog has now been up for an entire week. Guess what I accomplished at work in a week's time?... Yip, you're reading it right now!

I'll get my third bi-weekly paycheck today. I asked my supervisor yesterday what the story was with getting some programming software on my computer; he said that the forms are sitting on a few different people's desks right now. He told me not to worry... everything here takes forever, and the only thing that he's ever seen them do fast was hire me. I don't mind this... that's the rash decision that gets me paid.

Basically, it went like this:
"Randall, I'm a recruiter. I saw your resume online, and I love you. Let's meet."
"Randall, I'm still a recruiter. Now that I've met you, I still love you. Meet my boss."
"Randall, I'm a higher-level recruiter. I love you. Go meet a VP of the company we're trying to place you in."
"Randall, I'm a VP. I love you. Go meet the guy under me."
"Randall, I'm an assistant VP. I love you. Go meet your potential boss and the other coder who will be your supervisor."
"Randall, I'm your future boss. And I'm the other coder, who will be your supervisor! (In unison) We love you. Go meet the VP of Human Resources."
"Randall, I'm the VP of Human Resources. I love you. You're hired. Start on Monday... we need you doing nothing NOW!"

I did actually get to do a pretty cool program in Access a few weeks ago... I spent a little over a week on that one (I had to learn Access as I programmed). Everyone who saw it was impressed, but they've now decided that fifty people or so will be using it, and they don't want to license Access for fifty computers. The project has to be moved over to Visual Studio .NET, but guess what isn't on my computer. The other coder is now rewriting the whole thing in .NET because we can't wait for me to get my software installed. The one thing that I actually accomplished here so far is decomposing quickly.

Funny. As I was typing this, my supervisor gave me my paycheck... what better way to illustrate getting paid for doing nothing than getting handed a paycheck while typing this nonsense. I'm probably paid way more than the majority of the people around me too... and they've made a career of this, although they're just doing data entry really.

*Knock, knock.*
"Randall, I'm the VP who hired you. So nice to see you. Come in, sit down."
"Hey, Bob. Listen, I just wanted to discuss the software licensing situation."
"Ahh, right. I think I have the forms right around here somewhere...."
I show him my paycheck. "You see that number right there?"
"Ahh yes, that's a number."
"That's what you just paid me for two weeks of doing nothing. That's more than it would cost to license me for the software that I need to do my job."
"Interesting... I'll tell you what... There's a business meeting that I have to be at in about an hour, filled with a bunch of people, all of whom could fire you. Why don't you give me a couple hours to butter them up, and you show up and explain the situation to them. Here, take this wad of cash that could easily be applied toward giving you the software you need to actually work, and go get yourself a few drinks at the pricey bar across the street."
"Why not. See you there."
"By the way, Randall, I really like the way you're thinking... just the kind of thing we need around here. I love you."

*Knock, knock.*
Nobody: "Randall, I'm some random person opening the door that leads to the important business meeting. Ignore me as you come in."
VP: "Randall, I'm the VP who hired you and loves you, this at the head of the table, is someone appointed to make big decisions."
Big Decision Maker: "Randall, I'm someone appointed to make big decisions. What's troubling you, son?"
Me: "I need programming software on my computer to actually have the ability to program."
Big Decision Maker: "Blunt and to the point. I like that! You have potential and I therefore love you. How's the job going so far?"
Me: "I'm surfing the web and writing a blog that nobody reads."
Big Decision Maker: "Excellent. That's just the kind of thinking we need around here. Are you here because we're not paying you enough?"
Me: "I'm here because I haven't been given the ability to work."
Big Decision Maker: "Hmm. Mathematician, how much are we paying Randall a year?"
Mathematician: "Well, after adding in benefit expenses to the company, taxes, deskspace, etc., the number comes to *****.**"
Big Decision Maker: "Well, that's pushing the envelope, isn't it. Can we afford to get him the software he needs, or should we just keep him on and revisit this next year?"
Mathematician: "It's a close call, sir."
Company Pope: "I foresee that the boy will...."
Big Decision Maker: "Pope's right! You're hired!"
Me: "I already work here... well, technically."
Big Decision Maker: "We're ahead of schedule then! Now that that's covered, is there anything else that you need, son?"
Me: "I feel that I could do nothing just as efficiently if you put a TV on my desk."
Big Decision Maker: "That's just the kind of thinking we need around here! I love you! Mathematician, how much would it cost for a nice entertainment center?"
Mathematician: "Well, if you're going to do that, you might as well instead just get him the licenc..."
Big Decision Maker: "Perfect!"
Company Pope: "I foresee that if this comes to be, the boy will..."
Big Decision Maker: "Pope's right! VP that hired Randall, great work!... I love him! Do the TV thing."
Me: "If you ship the TV to my apartment, I can do nothing from home."
Big Decision Maker: "You're blowing my mind, boy! Get out of here before you take over my job, hahaha! Get, get... I love you!"

Well, that's one hour down. Now I have to think of something to occupy me for six more.