Friday, December 17, 2004

highway of indecision

So it turns out that there won't be a second date. That's what first dates are for... filtering. I didn't get a chance to know her well enough to be too into her, but I was certainly excited at the notion of not having to go through this initial crap with someone else for a while. Next time, I'll probably have to go for someone less shy and reserved... she was overwhelmed with the whole notion of dating. I would have been too about a year ago, but for some reason, the whole thing's easy for me now.

The problem isn't following through on a decision, it's making the decision in the first place. For instance, in deciding who to bother dating... there are ever so many fish in the sea; this is a bad thing. For a collector of rare fish, such as myself, who's thrilled about the convenience of monogamy (yes, with a fish), it's difficult to find the 'right' fish without one of two things: prior knowledge or trial and error. I certainly have no prior knowledge in these matters, and trial and error sucks. I always do things right the first time, I hope to do my fish the same.

I get eyed by cute females numerous times throughout the day. I'm heading somewhere on a subway or just walking down the street, and someone will notice me and give me the stare, and sometimes the welcoming smile. This is certainly good for my ego, but it still has its bad aspects. "Okay, this chick is smiling at me, but she's one of many... I can't break the ice with every chick that shows interest when it's happening so often." A year ago, I'd be thinking she was the one, now I'm just wondering what else she has to offer. Breaking the ice isn't one of my strong points... I have unusual views and goals, and it's safe to assume that 99% of the chicks who are showing interest will be filtered out quickly, or will gracefully opt to filter themselves out. And even if I end up with a member of that 1%... considering the number of people around me, that's hardly narrowing it down enough. I need something handed over on a silver platter.

Ironically though, once I've made a decision, I never question it. If you manage to convince me that you're perfect for me, the deal is done (I should use that line as an ice-breaker on the subway). I just want something that seems perfect. I'm not one to pretend... if I see through the illusion, it's over, but if it means that I don't have to concern myself with another decision, subjective elements always lean toward a positive light - "She only has one leg, but hey, she's working on that."

I have shit to put my mind into... things that are important to me, and mundane decisions prolong what I consider to be a dire lack of productivity. The problem is that I don't like to leave things to chance, but I don't have enough information to do anything else. What do I want in a woman?... I want someone who will nurture me. "No, you'll grow more as an individual if you're forced to deal with things yourself." Okay, I want someone who's outgoing and flirty. "No, she'll be too much for you to handle, and you'll end up resenting eachothers' contradictory natures." I want whatever would suit me best, in the long-term, but I have no fucking idea what that is... I'd need to be omniscient to make a truly informed decision... and I'm not omniscient.

Creative projects are different; creative projects can only be done one way for me. When I'm creating something, I see it as a whole... I am effectively omniscient in regard to it. When I'm writing a song, I'm creating and controlling every pertinent aspect, and I'm basing every note and word on every other. I'm building the whole thing at once, all in terms of everything else involved, and therefore, I always know what to do. Writing poetry, computer programs, carving a damn piece of wood... these things are not done in a linear fashion... the first line of a poem is reflective of every line to follow. A concept isn't communicated until the whole thing is finished. That's why I don't title my songs or poems... a title is a summation of a piece... the whole thing already IS the summation of whatever I'm trying to express... a complex thought or emotion takes multiple lines to communicate... compressing it any further would remove its effectiveness.

I have control when I'm working on a project... I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I'm just guessing at everything I do, and I don't have a guide to follow. I don't know enough about dental care to pick out an appropriate toothbrush, I don't know enough about nutrition to decide what to choose off the menu, and I sure as hell don't know enough about myself or some random chick, who can't wait for me to approach her, to decide if I actually should.