Wednesday, February 23, 2005

astounded but not speechless: 9:56AM - 9:59AM on 2/22/05

As I approached the elevator at work, I first noticed him. He looked to be in his mid to late forties, of middle-Eastern descent, and he was completely bald on top except for a few long hairs that were combed upward, reaching the crown of his head. He was looking in my direction, looking like a moron.

My first thought was, "Close your mouth, you fucking imbecile," but immediately after, I realized that his mouth wasn't open. He just looked like a jaw-gaping jackass to me for some reason; I could have sworn that his mouth was open, and that there was a touch of drool hanging from the front of his lower lip. His mouth was closed, and no drool was to be found, but there was something about him... perhaps it was the stunned look on his face, perhaps it was the fact that he was facing away from the elevator, toward me, when it's common to impatiently look at the elevator that you're waiting for. He seemed lost, but how the fuck can you be lost when you're just waiting for the elevator?

When I too had walked as far as I could without proceeding into the elevator that we were waiting for, she walked up behind me. She was too old and too tall, so I didn't notice her at first, but this yokel was still staring past me, at her; he was obviously stricken. Now all of the imaginary drool was accounted for. I suppose that she was pretty hot for her age, I'm guessing that she was in her late thirties. She was talking to the woman that she had walked up with... that chick was also too tall. I went back to watching the closed elevator door, waiting for the damn thing to open, trying to ignore the moron that was still staring at the woman, and coincidentally, me.

The four of us piled into the elevator when it arrived. The two women continued talking, seemingly not even noticing me or the guy with the comb-over, which was fine by me. I took my place in the back of the elevator, which was the perfect spot to observe the fruitlessness of lover-boy's affections. He stared at the woman for the entire elevator ride to the fifth floor. I was happy to no longer be intercepting his gaze.

After the first elevator, there's a gigantic empty room that you have to walk through, which has a security station on the other end. This room is very elegant looking, with high ceilings and hardwood floors; it has to be passed through to get to the real elevators. My theory is that they want to impress anyone who walks through this room to be turned away by security, to leave a good first impression that won't be spoiled by seeing our actual working conditions. It was good to be out of the elevator; out in the open, I can walk fast enough to not have to listen to others' mind-numbing conversations, and I don't have to watch middle-aged men stare lustfully at tall chicks. Once you get past this room, there are eight elevators that lead to the actual office spaces; all four of us ended up in the same elevator again. Lucky me.

I was the last to step into the elevator. When I got in, I noticed that the chatty ladies and the drooler were all comfortably positioned (with Casanova facing the tall chick, of course), with only one button lit up... the '12' button. I work on the eleventh floor, so not only did this mean that I'd get to experience Cupid's doings for the entire nine seconds of the elevator ride, but it also shed some light on the situation. All three of these people work on the same floor, and baldy probably stares at this chick all day long. I picture him hanging out by the vending machine, pretending to laboriously choose between the baked and regular potato chips, when he's really just waiting for her to come out of the bathroom, hoping to catch a whiff of that 'bathroom fresh' fragrance. After he smells the slight tinge of perfume and urine as she walks by, he heads into his favorite stall to masturbate the thoughts of her away. He just can't do his all-important 12th floor work with the thought of her lingering in his mind.

After I hit the '11' button, and reclaimed my place in the back of the elevator, he finally worked up his nerve. He looked at the tall chick... well, I should more accurately say that he 'continued' to look at the tall chick, and nervously said, "Hi." She briefly greeted him in return and went back to talking to the other lady, who he didn't say hello to by the way. Seven seconds later, I stepped out of the honeymoon suite, and onto the eleventh floor. I had my inspiration for my daily writing, and that stud had his inspiration for his midday masturbation.