Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Doug's competition

Two and a half weeks ago, my brother and I were in Philadelphia for our cousin's house-warming party. Out of everyone there, we knew the least people, so at times, it was fairly awkward. Because I'm a social prodigy and an arch-wizard of smalltalk, all conversation rotated around me - either that or I stood in less densely populated areas of the house, engaging in conversation, struggling against my instinct to find a lonely corner to write in.

Early in the night, a guy named Doug, my brother, and I were the only males in the house. I'm actually not sure what Doug's real name was - my inability to remember names is protecting the innocent; damnit! Anyway, we were making smalltalk, and since all of our jokes were going over Doug's head, we had to dumb shit down a bit.

Doug: "So, are you guys married?"
My brother: "I am."
Me: "Not me, I'm gay." (This was a joke; don't get your hopes up, boys.)
My brother cracked up, and Doug looked at me oddly. I made a mental note: 'dumb it down even further'.
My brother said something about marriage killing a man's sex life; this may have been in jest, as this is a common, light thing to say in passing between married men.
Doug: "Yeah, my sex life stopped as soon as I put the ring on her finger."
Me: "Fuck that." I fought the urge to mention the fact that any ring that I hand out will have shock-collar capabilities... I didn't want to see Doug's blank stare again.
My brother was being cute, but Doug was being serious. I noticed, but didn't really care.
I guess my casual use of profanity killed the conversation (damned Pennsylvanians), so Doug decided to change the topic with a smooth transition.
Doug: "We don't have much time for sex. I'm too busy fixing up the house, and my wife spends a lot of time with her horse."
My brother and I looked at eachother as if to say, "Ahh, that explains it."

That's right, girls... I know about the horse thing. I know that it's no coincidence that as soon as it became socially acceptable for women to straddle horses when riding them, every woman had to have one. Guys have always been perplexed by the female fascination with those oversized, smelly beasts, but I'm here to now tell the world what I was tempted to tell Doug... that poor, stupid, celibate bastard.

Chicks orgasm when they ride horses. Whether trot or gallop, they're being rocked around from below, and all they have to do is position their clit properly against the saddle. It's a bumpy ride, but it works. My friend's mom owns three horses; what a whore.

My brother and I know a chick who betrayed the sanctity of the horse secret to us. She would ride and ride... nothing could stop her. Her pussy scabbed over, and on she rode. A chick having a slight headache will keep a guy's dick dry, but a horse's saddle gets action no matter what. She later tried to change the story to her getting off because of the power she felt when guiding a large beast with her legs, but orgasming because of that sort of intimacy with an animal borders on zoophilia... let's just stick with the clit stimulation.... it's all my mind can handle.

When a guy sees a horse, he's always intimidated by its massive dick. It takes a trained eye, but if you're able to pry your eyes from the horse's dick (seriously guys, get over it already), and take notice of what chicks are looking at.... you'll find that all they see is some indescript animal wearing a big ol' saddle. It's all about the saddle, folks. If you learn to read minds, you'll probably hear her think, "I'll oil up your saddle, big boy." My friend's mom regularly oils up three saddles; she has goats too, but I don't want to comment on that.

Okay... you look like you're getting upset. I know, I know... you got your innocent little daughter a pony, and she's done such a good job with it. She never did any other chores, but she just loves that pony so much. She makes sure to ride it every morning before school, and then again when she gets home... it's good for the pony, because it keeps it in shape. What a responsible little girl. Do I want to watch your daughter ride her pony?... hell no, you pervert; I don't want to see your kid grinding her clit up against the saddle while Daddy's watching. Did you get her some kind of glow-in-the-dark saddle attachments that I should see as well? At parties, do you impress your friends with how well she gives handjobs? Open your eyes, man... you turned her into a whore... you turned her into my friend's mom!

When Doug mentioned his wife having a horse, the conversation might as well have gone like this:
Doug: "We don't have much time for sex. I'm too busy fixing up the house, and my wife spends a lot of time with a gigantic vibrating dildo shoved up inside of her."
Me: "Yeah, fixing up the house... that can really wear you out."
My brother: "Marriage can be tough."