Friday, March 04, 2005

rand vs. his apartment

6:35 PM - Rand gets home from work. He touches nothing related to piping... he takes off his jacket and sits at the computer. Even his pants stay on; Rand is a procrastinator.

6:39 PM - Rand hears a 'pop' in his bathroom, and it sounds like running water. He investigates to find that there is now water pouring out from underneath his sink. The water is steaming hot. Rand moves all of his belongings out of the path of destruction.

6:40 PM - Rand calls his super's cellphone, to leave a short message on his voicemail.. just chitchat really.

6:52 PM - Rand's buzzer rings. It turns out that it's some hack electricians that are working on the apartment one floor above and behind Rand's. Rand goes down to open the door by hand, since the button that's supposed to open the front door of the apartment complex doesn't actually do anything. The electricians look at the water that's pouring down from the ceiling in the walkway in amazement... it has nothing to do with the apartment that they were working on though... or does it? Time will tell... or will it?

7:05 PM - Rand wonders if he'll be able to shower in the next week. Rand recalls the last time that his bathroom was 'fixed'... there was a constant drizzle from the bathtub faucet (a separate faucet than that which controls the shower)... the drizzle was stopped, his bathtub faucet disabled, and the tile removed to expose wood and bare nails; a part would arrive in a week to allow them to finish the job, seven weeks ago.

7:08 PM - Rand feels fine, but notices his chest getting a little tight... Rand's mind is always the last to know of his anxiety status; his body is the second to last to know.

7:12 PM - Someone from the Indian Restaurant below the apartments rings Rand's doorbell to let him know that water is leaking from the restaurant's ceiling. Rand is thankful for this news.

7:25 PM - The super calls inquiring as to the source of the problem... Rand investigates a little closer to find that it's coming from the wall behind Rand's sink, not from his sink's pipes. The super is in in Long Island, and will rush over.. he'll arrive in one hour. He wants Rand to try to catch as much as he can in a pot. Rand puts a pot under there, finds it ineffective, and walks away. Rand will dump the pot out as soon as the super arrives, and will pretend to be tired from doing water catching for an hour.

7:33 PM - Rand, being a pioneer in plumbing and housecare, names this procedure a 'wall enema'. Rand is quite clever.

7:36 PM - The super calls Rand to see if the water has stopped; it hasn't. The super informs Rand that the hot water has been shut off by someone. Rand tells the super that he'll call him back in a couple minutes to let him know then if it has slowed yet.

7:40 PM - Rand calls the super to inform him that the water is, in fact, still going. Rand also notices that very little of the water is travelling through is apartment... most is going straight through the wall to the floor below.

7:44 PM - Rand hears some chick entering the building saying, "Oh my God..." in repetition. She knocks on Rand's door, they chat it up briefly. She says that the landlords never repair jack shit. She gave up trying, and has a dog, so she won't press her luck (pets aren't allowed). Rand has it penciled in on his lease that it's void if the bathtub isn't repaired... Rand has an out, should he ever need it.

7:50 PM - Rand decides that this counts as mopping his bathroom floor. Rand is now a responsible single male.

7:52 PM - Rand decides that it's okay for him to shower at the gym across the street if he should so desire. Rand may be gang raped tomorrow by a group of old men with lean, wrinkly dicks... Rand's favorite.

7:58 PM - Rand changes out of his workclothes, into his 'it's raining downstairs' clothes.

8:01 PM - Rand remembers that the chick said that she too sleeps with earplugs on because of the honking and loud radiators... she has a dispenser affixed to her wall. She offered Rand free earplugs any time he runs out. Rand decides to post this.

8:02 PM - Rand posts the earplug thing.

8:06 PM - The super calls Rand to see if it's still raining. "Yip." Super says that it might be the heating pipe. "Okay." Super's on his way. "Cool."

8:09 PM - 'It's raining' shoes, but work socks. Small oversight.

8:16 PM - Rand's bored... this happens around 8:16 on any given night though. This must mean that all is now well... except for the water thing.

8:19 PM - Rand relieves boredom slightly by opening a beer. He doesn't understand why it works, but there's some sort of time quantum shit that happens when alcohol is introduced to his bloodstream. Rand also has a theory that he has less blood than most people... meaning that he's more prone to quantum activity.

8:22 PM - Rand has no intention of ever eating these bananas.

8:25 PM - Rand realizes that things like this never happened when he was 28. Rand reminisces on the days of his youth. Rand's only a few sips into his beer, and can already feel it... Rand needs to eat more during the day, and he should also get more blood into his body somehow.

8:28 PM - Rand notices that the raining water is no longer hot. Cold showers tomorrow... or there's always the gang rape thing.

8:31 PM - Rand decides that if he had any friends, he'd have them over for a nice little formal cocktail party right now. All guests would be instructed to act surprised when the super barges in on their party, and to scoff when asked to step out of the bathroom... "We were in the middle of a conversation!"

8:33 PM - Rand thinks fondly of the $1,700 that he payed the real estate broker to find this apartment for him. Rand debates whether it's worth paying another such fee to find a new place or not... Rand doesn't know a way around going through a broker in NYC if he wants to get an apartment to himself. Rand decides to move in with a rich old lady, or perhaps an old man who Rand meets during a gang rape session.

8:35 PM - It's now been two hours since the pipe burst. Also, Rand realizes that he will now get a hell of a lot more web traffic because of the words 'gang rape' which appear on his site. 8zero8 had a similar idea recently, but posted words such as 'Pamela Anderson nude'. Silly 8zero8.

8:39 PM - The super arrives, sticks his hand under Rand's sink, gives the pipe a slight handjob, and the water stops. Rand's glad that he wasn't able to stop it two hours ago... Rand figures that this is a great way for the super to practice getting off his ass. Rand mentions the exposed boards and nails from the last project, but his comment is blown off. This is expected in this situation, but Rand figures the jab is called for.

8:41 PM - Rand's not sure if the adventure is really over... he has no idea if he should stop typing this shit yet. Rand can hear the shower dripping... separate issue.. one to never be resolved. Rand supposes that the adventure goes on, but the adventure can take on many forms.