Sunday, January 23, 2005

trip to the doctor's office, version 2

I was barely through the door when the doctor and two nurses ran over.

Dr. Steinburg: "Rand, what the hell happened?"
Me: "I'm not really sure, I just..."
Dr. Steinburg: "Don't talk... Let's get you to a room first.. I want that bandaged up before you lose any more blood."

After being escorted to a private room, the nurses wrapped up my arm. One nurse remained, while the other went to get some equipment. I was feeling a little light-headed, but I don't think that I was in shock. I seemed to be very cognizant of the entire experience.

Dr. Steinburg: "Are you in pain?"
Me: "No... I mean, there's a reason for that, but it's a long story."
Nurse: "Son, do you know where your hand is? If you have it with you, we might be able to reattach it."
Me: "I honestly have no idea where it is... I don't know what happened to it.. I was just trying to get my subway pass out, and knew something was wrong when I couldn't feel my wallet when I reached into my pocket."
Nurse: "Just sit back and try to relax."

Dr. Steinburg: "Rand, if it was anyone else talking, I wouldn't believe it. I have got to hear this story."
Me: "Well, it is an interesting story I guess."
Nurse: "I can't wait to hear this!"
Me: "It all started yesterday, when I realized that there was no hot water. I don't know what was wrong with the water heater, but between it not working and it being freezing outside, the water was ice-cold."
Dr. Steinburg: "I have no idea where this is going... your stories that start like this are my favorites."
Me: "I couldn't bare to take a real shower under such conditions, so I decided to give myself a minor sponge bath. I can't handle going too long without washing my hair gets all itchy and greasy, but the last time that the water was cold, it was fixed later that day. I figured that I could just wash my hair when I got home from work. Now, I didn't actually have a rag or sponge to use, so I had to use a sock."
Dr. Steinburg: "Wait a minute... why don't you have a rag?"
Me: "I don't know... I just moved into my apartment, and haven't gotten around to getting one. If I had known that this was going to happen I'd hav..."
Dr. Steinburg: "Rand, you've been in that apartment for over six weeks. Now, I know that your father is on the west coast, and isn't here to nag you, but you've got to start getting things done."
Me: "Yeah, I know."
Dr. Steinburg: "What if you had a girl over... do you even have a second towel for her to use?"
Me: "That's on the list with buying some rags."
Dr. Steinburg: "Rand, you're twenty-eight years old, and I know that you weren't brought up like this."
Me: "I know."
Dr. Steinburg: "How much work does it take to go buy a damn rag. Do you tell people that you do this kind of stuff? Sponge-bathing with socks?"
Me: "Well, it usually doesn't come up."
Dr. Steinburg: "Was the sock clean at least?"
Me: "I was sponge-bathing... soap and water were involved... that's what you use to clean clothes, right?"
Dr. Steinburg: "So you didn't have a rag, and you didn't even have a clean sock to use?"
Me: "I had some clean socks... I just didn't want to waste them on sponge-bathing."
Dr. Steinburg: "Jesus, son... do you even have a bed in your apartment, or are you sleeping on the floor again?"
Me: "I bought a bed off the last tenant."
Dr. Steinburg: "Well, that's a start at least. How many years were you sleeping on hard-wood floors because you decided that it wasn't worth the trouble of buying a bed?"
Me: "I don't know... five?"
Dr. Steinburg: "Don't you see anything wrong with this kind of behavior? Do you want to be single forever?"

The other nurse returned to the room with an IV drip and some other machinery.

Dr. Steinburg: "Loretta, welcome back. Quick question... would you date a man who slept on the floor and sponge-bathed with dirty socks?"
Loretta: "You sleep on the floor?!"
Me: "No... I have a bed in my apartment that I sleep in."
Dr. Steinburg: "Tell her about sponge-bathing with a sock, Rand."
Loretta: "You're doing this to pick up girls? I'm not sure that's the best strategy."
Me: "I'm not telling girls that I sponge-bathe with socks, and it was just a quick fix for an unusual situation..."

The pager in Dr. Steinburg's pocket started beeping.
Dr. Steinburg: "Damn, I have to take this. We're not done talking about this, Rand. Loretta, make sure that his wound is cleansed thoroughly, and do all the preparations."
The doctor left the room, and the nurses began working on my arm.