why the fuck is it so cold?
I looked at my watch... it was already a quarter past eleven, and some stragglers still weren't in their seats.
Michael was diligently making sure that everyone in the hall remained seated, but there were plenty of other archangels handling the situation. I looked at him, indicating that he should come close. "Michael, where the hell are the rest of the deities?"
The situation was a bit overwhelming for Michael... as it would be for anyone in his position, but he was doing his best to keep everyone in line. "I believe that some of the greater deities are out in the hall chatting."
I frowned slightly... this was the typical divine short-sightedness that made meetings like this necessary. "Let them know that the break is over, and that I'm getting agitated."
Michael's eyes widened slightly before he hurried toward the main door. He went as fast as he could without bringing his pace to a jog; he didn't want to cause a panic among our honored guests. He knew that I was just giving him a threat that would enable him to put some fear into the deities in the hall, but Michael knows that I don't deliver empty threats... and he also knows what happens when I become angry.
All of the deities who were having trouble holding to the schedule rushed into the room, quickly taking their seats. Many of them glanced over at me stealthily, before averting their eyes, attempting to gauge my level of anger, without drawing my direct attention.
I waited impatiently for them to finally become situated, and said, "Are we all ready to continue then?"
None dared to respond. They all sat with their hands in their laps like good little children, doing their best to seem attentive. Most managed to look directly at me, removing any indication of fear or distraction from their facial expressions, but some couldn't stop glancing over at the 'staff of deicide' that I was holding in my right hand. They all knew that I didn't need any such tool to exert my power, but that I just liked having a physical reminder for them to look at; their knowledge of that fact wasn't enough to keep their eyes off of it... they had seen it used in the past.
"Now that orientation is over, let's begin discussion of the issues at hand. I assume that you all know the main reason that we're here today?"
Buddha was in the back rifling through the itinerary, trying to find the answer to the question. Nothing is as distracting as someone quickly turning pages in an otherwise quiet room. At a silent gesture from Michael, another archangel respectfully tapped Buddha on the shoulder, helping him to realize his folly. Buddha was on his last straw with me... I had already force-changed his nature a few months prior, to make sure that he was directing his followers toward true enlightenment, rather than directing them toward his own glorification. He was grateful for the alteration, but I don't like having to fix deities... it's just as easy to scrap them and start with a clean slate. I don't think that Buddha was aware of the thin ice that he was standing on, but he soon would be if he kept slowing the meeting down.
Buddha blushed slightly, and awkwardly said, "I'm terribly sorry."
I frowned at him then turned my head toward the raised hand that I saw in the third row, in the group to the left. "Go ahead."
The Unnamed Deity of Modern Science boldly answered, "We're here because the temperature in New York was not to your liking yesterday."
"That's right. I'm glad to see that at least one of you is taking this seriously." When I'm angry, everyone in the room knows it; you can't be subtle with gods.. they won't catch on in the slightest.
A few dirty looks were directed toward the Unnamed Deity of Modern Science. He was the new guy, and he was a bit of a kiss-ass. There was also an obvious resentment toward him, considering that many other deities were quickly losing followers to his religion, because of the loose 'scientific' backings that reinforced his doctrines. Of course, his religion was just as false and as silly as any of the other ones represented in this meeting, but at this point in time, humanity didn't know any better. It was the same story as always in human history... it was just this god's time to shine.
"Now, I want to know what the fuck's going on around here. Which of you assholes made it so cold where I live yesterday?" My temper was getting a little out of hand, but it's just a technique that I sometimes use to speed things up.
Gaia delicately answered, "Uhh, sweetie, that's just nature's pattern. It's always been that way in the winter."
Gaia and I were on good terms... we've done some work together in the past, and she'd never tried to put her needs above those of the greater good. I find that to be a very rare quality among gods. I didn't take her response as an offensive contradiction, but rather as an honest, unbiased answer that served to educate me. That's fine... I don't claim to have all the answers... I'm just the guy with the big stick in his right hand, who makes sure that shit gets done.
"Okay, I guess that makes sense... " I took a moment to figure out which new direction to take this in. While I was thinking, the tension in the room started to ease up; the deities had a moment to remember that I'm a very reasonable man. "Hmm.... which of you fuckers created this planet, and started this winter shit in the first place?!" The tension immediately returned to the room.
Everyone was looking around the room for someone who had an answer to that question. I was amazed that they didn't know this one... every human has a quick answer for it... the all-powerful gods of the earth certainly should as well. "You've got to be kidding me.... none of you know?"
Yahweh cleared his throat. "I think that I might have created the earth, but I was only born about five or six thousand years ago, and the earth is clearly millions of years old. I mean, I might have done it, but I can't seem to remembe..."
I rolled my eyes and made a motion with my hand that instructed him to stop talking.
A forgotten Aztec god spoke out, "I once read a poem that said that the sun and the moon made love and had a child that was the earth. It was well written, and was once very popular... I've always assumed popular beliefs to have some validity."
I shook my head. "Okay... you guys clearly don't know shit about this one.. I suppose it's not your fault." I was disappointed, but you stop expecting too much after dealing with this bunch for a few lifetimes.
"Well, while I'm freezing my ass off, what exactly are you 'almighty' gods having your followers do?"
The Unnamed Deity of Modern Science raised his hand and answered without waiting for me to point at him, "Well, you know what my followers have been up to." He smirked proudly to himself, but he was certainly going to get an extremely painful wedgie from his peers as soon as the meeting ended.... I'm only a lowly mortal, and even I could foresee that one.
"Thrilling," I didn't want this young dipshit to slow my meeting down. "How about all of you Jesuses over there... have you guys ever accomplished anything worth noting?"
A few Caucasian members of the Jesus section, who all looked perfectly identical to me, looked at eachother quickly in confusion, until one of them answered, "Well, most of us have been busy squabbling over baptism issues... "
Another one of the quintuplets (I call them the quintuplets only because I don't know the name for identicals who number in the thirties) interrupted the other one, "Also issues of homosexuality... that's a hot one right now!"
A redneck Jesus from the group yelled out, "I've got my boy nukin' dem Iraqis dat few dem planes into dem towers!"
From the other side of the room, one of the Allahs yelled out, "Well, my followers are going to kill yours first!!!"
Redneck Jesus said, "God's gonna make sure dat..."
"That's enough!" I was so sick of hearing this shit among the morons on earth, that hearing it from their gods was just nauseating. "You're all fucking useless. If your IQs were any higher than that of your followers', I'd explain it to you... since things are as they are, I won't."
The Redneck Jesus looked over toward the Allah who had spoken out, and stuck his tongue out at him.
I hit my head against my staff. "Why couldn't I have been an atheist?"
I was starting to get worn out... dealing with children does this to me. "Does anyone here have a solution to the winter thing or not?"
A hand toward the back of the room slowly raised up; I signaled for him to speak. "Well, this is a little embarrassing, but.... "
I sighed. "Could you please just fucking spit it out already?"
The Unnamed Lesser-Deity of Environmental Awareness continued, "Well... it turns out that the burning of oil is harmful to the ozone layer, and the only thing that was nullifying its effects was the use of aerosol sprays. I swear I didn't know this at the time, but now that non-aerosol spray cans are used so much, global warming has been escalating."
"Okay, now we're getting somewhere..." I honestly had been losing hope that a solution would be found. "So all we have to do is fully eliminate the use of aerosol in New York, and the ozone will dissipate to the point where things will warm up... and my balls can come out of their winter hibernation?"
Our special little liar of a god was starting to gain some confidence, being the hero and all... "If you stop burning styrophoam, that'll help too!"
I was finally in good spirits, but I didn't want to lose control of the room. "Okay, I like what I'm hearing. Is anyone here available to help the environmentalists to have their way in New York, to unnaturally increase the temperature?" I didn't even wait for a lack of participation... I started tapping my staff with my index finger. "Anyone?"
Believe it or not, everyone raised their hands and eagerly offered to help. Michael breathed a sigh of relief, and signaled the 'clean-up crew' of cherubs to put their mops away... deicide can be messy work sometimes.