Thursday, March 24, 2005

a bad day for Mathias

I was in line at McDonalds when their breakfast cut-off time hit. They made sure that everyone who was in line before 10:30 had the option of ordering from the breakfast menu, but started making the big transition to lunch. The hashbrown cookers suddenly transformed into gourmet french-fry chefs, imitation egg mix was substituted for imitation ground beef, and cranks were turned to switch the menu display.

“You guys aren’t serving breakfast?!” A whiney bitch in McDonalds… what were the odds?
“No, Ma’am, we start serving lunch at 10:30,” the manager said. I’m sure this conversation was part of the 10:30 daily ritual for him.
“Who eats breakfast at 10:30?!”
The manager shrugged at her and continued working.
“I can’t believe this! It’s 10:33!!” I did a bit of math in my head and decided that 10:33 is, in fact, after 10:30.
The manager ignored her and took the next order.
“You just lost a customer!”
The manager seemed devastated.

Shawanda was partially in the right here. Apparently, some people do prefer breakfast at 10:30 AM, and possibly even at 10:33 AM, but what she probably failed to realize is that the manager was following the corporate standard for his demographic. That’s right – believe it or not, McDonalds hires morons so that they don’t have to pay them jack shit. Most think this to be a coincidental trend, but they actually do it intentionally. Because it’s no mistake that their employees are idiots, they’re able to plan ahead for those employees’ idiocy. They don’t trust such morons to make business decisions… all the decisions are made from afar, by people who are qualified to do so. Silly Shawanda… the manager’s GED qualifies him to be a chain manager, but it doesn’t qualify him to decide when lunch begins – that’s a job for the professionals.

“Mathias, come in and sit down.”
”Yes, Sir,” he said nervously.
“It seems that we just lost a customer in Manhattan.”
“Oh, really? I hadn’t heard…”
“How could you not know?! It’s all over the papers!”
“Oh… oh yes, Shawanda Williams… she prefers breakfast at 10:33 AM.”
“And why weren’t we able to provide that service for her?”
“Well, after years of research, it was decided that the most profit was to be made by an immediate transition to lunch at 10:30 in most of the metropolitan areas of New York.”
“Our stocks are plummeting, Mathias! Word is out… Shawanda has gone elsewhere for her breakfast!
“Well, McDonalds’ policies have always been about pleasing the largest possible customer base with substandard products. Quantity over quality…”
”Quantity?! Since when did McDonalds ever care about quantity?”
“Our most famous slogan is ‘over one billion served’…”
”Get out of my office!”
Mathias was demoted to chain manager later that afternoon.

McDonalds serves the worst coffee known to man. After grabbing my food, I went to the restaurant next door, to get some coffee to go. Low and behold, Shawanda was in line ahead of me, buying some sort of breakfast sandwich. She had a victorious smile on her face.

“That’ll be $8.49, Ma’am.”
Shawanda tried to hold her smile as she thought, “That’s too much for an egg on a roll! You just lost a customer; I’m going to McDonalds next time.”