Saturday, March 05, 2005


I'm never going to tell any of you who I work for, and I'm going to do my best to leave out every possible detail about my work itself. I've been talking a bit about my co-workers, but it's all really speculation about people that I don't know. If my employer or any future employer becomes aware of this site, I want them to rest assured that I'm not doing any negative PR for their company. If you somehow manage to figure out my company's name, please don't post it... I'll have to delete any such comments; I don't want this to in any way interfere with my job.

You'll notice that I haven't even mentioned the nature of the business that I work for, nor the actual work that I do for my company. We can do a little Q&A if you'd like I guess.

Q: Well, you mentioned that you're a software engineer at your company. Is this true?

A: Yes, that's right.

Q: And the company that you work for is very large, right?

A: Yes.

Q: What kind of programming do you do for them?

A: Okay, this is an interesting question. Usually, one is asked what languages he programs with, rather than the type of programming that he does. The nature of the programming done is really more reflective of the end result and purpose of the programs. I'm familiar with most computer languages (as they are all quite similar), and I am doing database programming and windows programming at this job.... perhaps that answers your question.

Q: Well, let me be more blunt here... what do your programs do?

A: I guess I don't have a way out of this one. My programs are used to guide elevator logic.

Q: You write programs for elevators?

A: Yes.

Q: I don't get it... what the fuck is there to do? You push a button, and the elevator goes to that floor....

A: Let's keep this civil... I'm better at this shit than you are... I'll fucking crush you...

Q: I'm sorry. I'll rephrase my question...

A: Seriously, I'll make your stupid ass cry.

Q: I know. Okay... I don't understand exactly what your programs would do to guide elevators. Could you expand?

A: Elevator logic isn't quite as simple as you'd think. When you push a button to call an elevator to your floor, if there's more than one elevator, logic has to be in place to decide which elevator should come to your floor. When you're in an elevator and you push a button, the elevator might not simply go to that floor... what about picking up people along the way? It's the little things that most people overlook; that's why I'm so good... I think of the details.

Q: I still don't get why this would be a full-time position.

A: Okay... here's a little bit of elevator theory for you... I'll try to keep this in layman's terms. Say that you're on the second floor, and you press the '6' button. Does the elevator have to go straight to the sixth floor?

Q: I'd say so, yes.

A: Hah! Why couldn't it go to the eighth floor first, then come back to the sixth to drop you off?

Q: That would be fucking stupid... it'd be much better to just go straight to the sixth floor.

A: That's right. And do you know why everyone knows that?

Q: Well, common sense I guess...

A: Nope! They know that because we did years of research, testing out both methods. Guess who wrote the logic for both methods... ME!!!

Q: Why the fuck is your company so big? Why are there people on your floor doing data entry?

A: Wow, you don't know a damn thing about the elevator business, do you?

Q: Seriously Rand, you're a bit of an asshole, and now that I've heard you explain your job, I'm much less intimidated by you.

A: You know what we call people like you in the elevator business?

Q: No, and I don't really care to know.

A: We call you fucknuts! How do you like that?!

Q: Okay, I think this interview is over.

A: It sure is, fucknut!!!