Thursday, December 30, 2004

please kill Cher

Every time Cher comes out with a new album, the same thought crosses my mind, "What the fuck? I thought she died." Sometimes when a person wants something really bad, he convinces himself that it came to be. It's a kick to the stomach everytime that bitch rises from the dead.

Cher's pushing 90, but looks younger than me. She was performing the Chicago circuit for about ten years before she got her big break, doing lounge acts with a pre-famous Frank Sinatra. Frank rose in popularity faster than Cher, who he lovingly referred to as his 'older sister', but Sinatra made sure to get Cher the exposure she needed to kickstart her career.

Although formally known for her supposed musical talent, Cher's true claim to fame is as a marvel of twentieth century science. Somehow, this chick is still standing, and if I could overlook her chicken legs and horrible voice, I'd probably nail her; I won't though - I don't believe that it's right for a human and a cyborg (see glossary) to copulate. Cher is at the very least a cyborg, but is more likely to be an appliance (see glossary).

Hey American engineers, next time you decide to make someone immortal, pick somebody who's not a celebrity. How about a dockworker? Be smart even... pick a historian or diplomat. Which asshole was it who hopped out of his carriage to find the local entertainer who sang so beautifully when accompanied by a harpsichord?! I picture this dick saying to himself, "Look, Nathaniel - 'tis perfect! Oh Lord, thou hast blest us with a divine angel imparted to us by thine blest hand. Her magnif'cent taste in music is sure to be as timeless as the cold, rubb'ry skin that I shall bestow upon her."

When a chick is with someone noticeably older than her, if you're an old guy who's uncreative, a common and overused technique to get laid is to refer to the one in the walker as the young one. When I'm old and am making smalltalk to distract you from the scent of my dirty diaper, I'm going to refer to the old one as the other one's daughter. The thirty-five-year-old giggles, "No, Sir, that's Cher; she's my great, great, great, great grandmother." What the fuck?.. I wasn't being cute - I really thought that she was that chick's daughter.

Cher's career took a hit in the eighties, and she almost put herself out of my misery. She was going bankrupt, her hair looked ridiculous (I believe this was caused by her body's 'static electricity inhibitor' needing replacing), her voice was as shitty as ever, and her fifty-year-old daughter started licking twat. An extremely long era almost ended, but she found an unfortunate renewed zest for life, as she became a creative consultant for the movie Highlander. Soon after, George Lucas sought out her expertise for the development of the character 'Darth Vader' for many of the Star Wars movies. She was back on top - it's like her battery got a sudden recharge. We were so close...

Your assignment is to kill Cher (see disclaimer #2). I don't know if she has an 'off' switch installed, or if things are going to be more difficult. To prepare for the worst, I recommend watching the Terminator trilogy - know your enemy.

Killing her won't be enough... I want this done in a way that directly involves her music. I don't want to hear her shit on the radio for the week after her passing. I don't want to see her CDs on special display cases in Target. I sure as fuck don't want to see a movie coming out two months later about her centuries of service to the musical community. Here's what I want to hear, "Cher, out of respect for you, I'm never going to buy or play another one of your albums, because that's what killed you." I don't know how you're going to kill her to accomplish this final result, but that's what absolutely must happen; I don't just want her dead, I want all traces of her gone. Have a sense of decency, people, and get the job done.