Monday, January 24, 2005

I like apples!

I received this email yesterday:

Dear Mr. Existence,

Your site has come to my attention, and I am very excited about your writing style. You seem to have a unique take on things and are able to articulate your perspective well. I think that you have the potential to write a successful regular newspaper column. Your style is unorthodox, but I believe that it has a place in our newspaper. I'd like to see how you do with writing about assigned topics. If you would, please write an article explaining why you like apples. The topic may seem silly, but this is a standard technique that is used to get a feel for a writer's capabilities. Please send the article back to me, or simply post it to your site.

The best of luck to you,
Thomas Warner
Editor, New York Chronicle

Naturally, I'm thrilled to have received this letter.... I would love to write a daily or weekly column professionally. I'm not classically trained or anything, so I can only hope that my 'entrance exam' is up to par, but I did consider the topic carefully, and believe that I know where I want to go with it. I've decided to post it publicly, since I tend to keep all of you readers up to date with some of the events in my personal life... and my chance to have my own column in a newspaper is big news. Well, here's my article... I hope everyone likes it. Wish me luck, guys.

People often ask me why I like apples so much. They know why they like them, but for some reason, it's my interest in apples that intrigues the populous. Thanks for asking... let me tell you the answer... I find that apples are perfectly suited for shoving up Thomas Warner's ass. I've gone through the list of objects, and really, nothing but an apple will do.

For rectal intrusion, of all commonly known fruits, bananas seem the logical choice... but really, what's the challenge in that? I'll sleep much better knowing that I managed to squeeze a ripe red apple up Thomas' ass... you see, bananas are for recreational activity.. if I managed to get an apple in there, I've accomplished something. I'm a big believer in the old saying, 'where there's a will, there's a way', and when it comes to this one, if there's not a way, I'm going to do my damndest to make sure of that fact. The New York Chronicle isn't looking for a quitter, and I ain't no quitter!

Here's where there's room for debate... an apple's skin is nice and slick, but if you peel it, it has natural lubricants. It's a tough call on this one... would I bother lubing up the apple before trying to shove it into Thomas Warner's ass?... no, probably not... so after a few hours of trying and failing, I can always peel the apple before the second round of fun. That's a lot of variation in technique right there, and it's really quite easy to peel apples... what a wonderful fruit!

The cheater's way to accomplish this task is to slice the apple into wedges before attempting the procedure. Apple wedges have narrow ends, which make them slide in quite easily, and getting an apple's core into Thomas would be a cinch. Apples are great because that's an option, but that's not an option with me. Sorry, Tom... you're going to have to swallow that sucker whole.

In conclusion, I like apples. I think they're great for whatever reasons your parents gave you, but I also think that they're structurally ideal for shoving into Mr. Warner's ass. For some reason, that's an activity that I don't think I'd ever tire of. Give me a high-five, Thomas.... come on... don't leave me hanging!