Tuesday, January 11, 2005

working.... at work????

Guess what I did today?! No really.... go ahead and guess! "You didn't...." That's right.. I worked!

I started the day off by stopping over at the Wall Street building for a bit.
"Randall, I see here that you have some Wall Street experience."
"That's right. At my last job, I did some computer work over there."
The one leading the interview smiled at the other man, who nodded in approval.
"On your resume, it says 'January 2005 to January 2005'..."
"Oh, I was just trying to keep all of my work experience in a uniform format. To be more specific, I worked on Wall Street from 10:09 AM January 11 2005 through 10:21 AM January 11 2005."
Both of their smiles grew slightly. "A full twelve minutes... impressive! Any interesting stories you'd like to share?"
I smiled professionally, "Actually, yes. I copied a file from one directory to another, and I also paid a visit to the mail room to map a directory on a computer. These are simple tasks that a monkey could do, but I feel that my ability to handle the intense pressure of Wall Street speaks for itself."
"It certainly does! This puts you way ahead of that investment banker from Boston. I think that congratulations might be in order."
"Well, don't forget about the bagel guy, Bill..."
"Oh yes, we also have an applicant for the position who sold bagels for seven years; two of those years were on Wall Street."
I was crushed... there's no way I could compete with that. "Damnit, I really wanted this job!"
"Mr. Gray, are you groveling?"
I hadn't studied for this question. "Umm... no?"
Both of their smiles vanished. "Thanks for your time, we're going with the bagel guy."
When I left the room, I scolded the hell out of myself. "Grovel, Rand... why the fuck can't you grovel?! No wonder your kids won't take your calls!"

Twelve minutes, not including travel... what a busy day for me. But I wasn't done there. "You're fucking kidding me... you didn't..... " That's right... I worked at my desk today too!!!

Remember when you were in high school?
"Well, it's a long story, but..."
I point to the guy to the right of him... Hey, remember when you were in high school?
"Yeah, I actually do!"
Remember that one class that you had out of four years, in which you actually learned something? Do you remember sitting there thinking to yourself, "Holy shit... I'm getting my education, and I'm actually learning something while I'm here.... it's like killing two birds with one stone!" That's what today was like at work. Not only was I getting paid to sit at my desk, but I actually had work to do while I was sitting there!... I wonder if that qualifies me for overtime!!!

"But I thought you didn't have the software you needed to do anything real..." I don't! Why take a plane across the country when you can walk?... sure, it'll take forever, but just think of all the fun you'll have! I'm working on a small database program that I'm building out of sticks and stones. I spent two days last week listening to my supervisor suggest cool ways to program it, with me trying and failing because I'm not licensed for anything. Finally, he said, "Fuck it... just walk there." This works out great... I actually have walking shoes already!

I'm going to milk the shit out of this program. A normal program would just have a button that plainly said 'delete row from database'. Mine's going to have an animated Scooby-doo pop up, who says, "Rrare rou surrre rou wrant to rremove rat rrrow?" He'll be holding two buckets of chicken, and below him will be scrolling text that says, "Click on the bucket in Scooby's left hand for 'yes', and the right for 'no'."

"Rand, I like what you've done with that mildly consequential database program that you've been working on for the last four years, but why don't you just write 'yes' and 'no' on the buckets?" That's why he gets paid the big bucks.

Finally, on my sixth year in, I'll be nearly finished.... but there will be an issue.
"Rand, you're not licensed to use the image of Scooby-doo. How long would it take to rewrite your code?"
"Only a few years - no worries!"

I'll only be a year into the rewrite when my company merges with Hanna-Barbera. Phew... corporate globalization saved my ass again!

"Umm... I hate to ask this, Rand... but if you're so busy working, why was this posted during work hours?"
I'm far too busy to respond to that.