Saturday, January 08, 2005

there's nothing to see here

I took the day off from writing. I feel no remorse... you're all way behind on your reading anyway, so I'm just being kind and giving you a chance to catch up. Caught up already?... find something better to do than reading this garbage... seriously.. if you're reading this daily, what does that say about you? Whatever it is, it can't be good.

Today may have been more productive than a 'writing my blog' day. I slept until 11:30 AM, had coffee and wrote some philosophy, and spent the rest of the day socializing. I know what you're thinking... "Rand + people = ?" Don't worry - I hung out with my brother for a bit, then we went to hang out with some of his friends, then we went to hang out with his wife and some her friends; I was a total side-show. I like and respect all of the above, but don't really know any of them very well. I was pleasant, and threw in a comment every now and then, but I'm sure I got caught a few times drifting off. I have a hard time engaging in conversations that either don't concern me or would reveal my contrary interests/opinions. I just try not to make other people feel too awkward with me barging in on their scene. Really the only person that I truly engaged in any solid conversation with today was my brother, and he's a relative... so as far as concrete socializing with friends goes, today still counted as staying at home.

Here's the big question though... is socializing productive? I don't think that most people even have to ask themselves this; hanging out with friends is a basic need that absolutely must be met for them. Most people live externally enough that they gain insight into their lives and find emotional release through human interaction. I stand to gain from it the same, except I tend to require a deeper connection to even have my most basic needs met. In the past, I've actually resented friends because spending time with them drew me away from other projects. I've gone through periods where I'd give you about five minutes of my time, and if I didn't see anything fruitful coming from the conversation, I'd slip into my mind to work on other things.

I actually have a friend who I keep in touch with in L.A. (he drew the cover for my first album), who feels the same way that I do. If you hang out with him, you better bring something to do, because he's going to be painting. When we hang out, he does his thing and I do mine... which is either writing, working on a song, or doing some ridiculously complex and unnecessary craft. He's actually the only person that I know who regularly kicks my ass from across the country to make sure that I'm pushing forward with my music. Everyone else encourages me to settle down and take life seriously, but to play once in a while at a local coffee house... "I like your music, Rand, I just wouldn't get my hopes up; play because it makes you happy though." My friend in L.A. tells me that I'm a fucking slacker, and that all of this 'normal life' shit is detracting from what's really important. Just knowing that he's out there, prepping up for my next scolding, gives me a certain amount of hope that I wouldn't otherwise have. Even though I don't talk to him all the time, he's fulfilling a very normal social role in my life... similar to what these other people get from eachother, but on a more refined level.

Meeting new people, talking about your day, and learning the vast details of their's... is that really productive? I'm really not sure one way or the other at this point. I know that I'm fucking lame for not having any friends in town... and if I had friends with similar interests, I'd be just like anyone else... chatting away, and growing for the experience. I don't have such friends here, and it's rare as hell for me to find someone who I can talk to openly, and still feel like we're both getting something out of it. My brother drags me out sometimes because we're good friends, but also because he knows that I won't have any social interaction that he doesn't provide. I'm not sure that I'm getting anything out of being dragged along though... I highly doubt that the regular gang needs me around, and I'm not sure if it's worth my time either. I can say this though... in the past, I'd have considered it to be a total waste, but tonight, I don't feel like anything was lost or sacrificed for the time spent... with me, a lack of negativity is a very positive response.

I wasn't going to write anything substantial tonight... I just wanted to tuck all you readers into bed. Damn you people and your ability to distract me. The joke's on you though - I don't find this post to be all that substantial.