Friday, January 07, 2005

describing my music

I step up to the podium, and the press conference begins.

"Okay, I'll take your questions now. You, there, go ahead."

Reporter: "Catrina Valdez, NBC. Rand, what genre would you classify your music as?"
Me: "Well, it's basically a cross between the Pet Shop Boys, techno, and reggae. I call it 'gae-techno'."
Someone yells out from the crowd, "What, no bebop?"
Me: "A little bit of bebop, just for you, cutie." I point at her and wink. She blushes and smiles.
Reporter: "That's what we've heard, but our viewers are surprised by this... you're well known for your interest in naming your deepest desires. The common expectation is that your music would be dark and mellow."
I grab a random microphone from the mess of metal in front of me (Channel 7 was the lucky draw), and step out from behind the podium, to the front of the stage. The lights dim slightly as I begin to speak.
Me: "That's true... I am concerned with naming my desires. And when I dig deep down inside myself, you know what I find?"
Reporter: "What?"
Me: "The desire to dance. Queue the music!!!"

Gae-techno starts playing over the loud speakers, and I start dancing. The lights suddenly get bright as if they're voicing their opinion. If what the lights were saying could be heard aloud, it would sound something like, "Booya!"

Reporter: "Mike Thompson, CBS. I gotta tell you, I really like the music. I'm not hearing a Pet Shop Boys influence in it though. Could you explain?"
Me: "Good question. Gae-techno doesn't appeal to just heteros or just homos, it's here for everyone. I've developed a special kind of ambiguously gay lisp in my singing voice, that actually makes my 'H's sound a little bit like 'SH's. You can never tell if I'm saying 'he' or 'she'. I just want us all to get along, and get to dancin'! The 'gae' in gae-techno refers to both reggae and to gay. The Pet Shop Boys were gay."
Reporter: "Hey, that's clever!"
Me: "You know it! You feel that beat? I do... it feels like this..."
I do a cool dance move.
Me: "Next question."

Reporter: "Nancy Marquis, CNN. These lyrics are interesting. Are they all like this?"
Me: "Hell yeah! There's only one thing I sing about, and that's dancing! Remember Chubby Checker?"
Reporter: "Sure do!"
Me: "That guy was pouring out his soul! When he released the hit, Let's do the Twist, he was all, 'Okay... that's half of my soul right there.' Then, in his next hit release, Let's Twist Again, Like We did Last Summer, he was all, 'Booya!... that's the rest of my soul, baby!!!' I'm just doin' what he did... every song's about dancing... I have so much love to give that I can't stop writing these awesome songs!"
Reporter: "They sure are awesome!"
Me: "You know what my soul looks like? It looks like a kick followed by a quick turn of my head. Here, watch!"
I do the dance move, and it's even more spectacular than I had described.
Reporter: "God, that was deep!"
Me: "To the core!"
The music keeps going. It's loud, and sounds like, "Boom, boom, POW!"

Chick posing as a reporter: "Hey Rand, I'm not really a reporter... I snuck in so that I could give you a blowjob after the press conference!"
Me: "Sweet!"

Reporter: "Janet Domi..."

Me: "Hold up! Yo, yo, DJ Nate! Play that tune I wanna hear!"
DJ Nate: "This one?!"
A new gae-techno song starts playing!
Me: "Hells yeah, baby! You's da man!"
I sing along with some of the lyrics.
Me: "Get yo' ass on the floor, we's gonna rock that body more!"
I do a dance move... holy shit, even I didn't know I could do that one!
The crowd roars.
Me: "Please, continue."

Reporter: "Janet Domingez, Dancing Weekly. Rand, you're the shit! Your music is killer, and your dancing is like some kind of poetry!"
Me: "Did you know that dancin' was the way that them cavemen used to conversate?"
Reporter: "Wow, really?!"
Me: "I don't know. I's too busy dancin' to check dat shit out!"
Reporter: "Hells yeah... booya!"
Me: "Shakalaka, baby!"

Me: "Last question."
Reporter: "Maxine Rothchild, Rolling Stone. Where can we buy your music?"
Me: "This aint about sellin' nothin', babe! Dis is about dancin', and dancin' is about life! Gae-techno's in the hearts of alls of us, and alls we's gotsta do iz hear dat beet and gets to movin'!"
Reporter: "Yes but..."
Me: "No more o' dat! Get yu's ass up here and gets to shakin' dat booty!"
Maxine hops up on the stage and gets all freaky on my ass. Gae-techno is takin' us away to a place where we'z just gets it.