Monday, March 28, 2005

what to be

I think a lot about my role in life - about what I'm seeking to pull out of this human experience, and what affect I'd like to have on things.

I do have a certain love for the normal life. I like knowing myself capable of normal things, and also that in some ways, I'm exceptional. Competition, compensation for feelings of inferiority... a man can thrive on this. This can be that which he feeds on and eventually chokes on. I do enjoy it - I enjoy knowing it's in me, but I can't imagine making a life of it. It's but a lesson to give the human experience a sort of context; if mistaken for the human experience, it becomes a distraction.

I also enjoy knowing. Thinking observing, writing things like this - it feels closer to me. Casting experiences into a useful form, and finding myself within them. I'm more curious than competitive, and I think I'm better at this than the other. People read me, minds find pieces for themselves, but still, it reveals such limitations. Every answer asks numerous questions, and I am hidden beneath them. Minds can't find me this way, they're too occupied with scraps and fragments.

I don't think I live to be human; I think I live to be humanity. I want to be every tear of pain and joy, in every eye that can or can't see the answer laid out before it. I want to be the loudest cry, the softest whimper, and the breadth in-between. I want to be the question and the answer, the reason for asking, the excitement in sharing, and the fear of being revealed. I want to be the very breath we breathe, the active force that draws it, and the consciousness of it being drawn. I want to be all of us, as me.

I don't know what that makes me, and I don't know why.