Friday, January 28, 2005

this is why we lock our doors

When I came home a couple nights ago, I noticed that the front door to my apartment building wasn't latching closed. Somehow, the mechanism in the door knob, that is projected into or retracted from the door frame, is missing. There are no other locks on that door, so it's basically wide open to the public.

This morning, when I was getting ready for work, I heard some fiddling at my apartment's door, but I thought nothing of it. It stopped for a while, but when I got out of the shower, I heard it again. I decided to leave the door closed and locked, hoping that whatever was causing the noise would get bored and go away. Eventually though, I'd have to leave for work.

I opened the door to see a man in his late thirties trying to pick the lock. He was startled, as he was caught red handed.
Rand: "Excuse me, I need to get through here."
Man: "Oh, sorry, I was just... "
I didn't interrupt him... he had cut himself off. He clearly hadn't planned on this scenario.
Rand: "Right, whatever... just step aside so I can relock the door, and you can go back to your futile efforts after I'm gone."
Man: "No, no... there's no point. I'm not a burglar or anything."
Rand: "Well, what the hell are you doing then?"
Man: "I was just... I was lonely."
Rand: "Ahh... so you're a rapist."
Man: "Yeah.. I just wanted to rape someone."
Rand: "Next time, you might want to do a little research before you pick your targets. I'm a guy, and I live alone.. there are no chicks in there."
Man: "I know."
Rand: "Uhh?... oh."
Man: "It doesn't make me gay, you know... it's a power thing, not a sexual thing."
Rand: "Right. Whatever... step aside."
Man: "Really, I'm not gay!"
Rand: "Thrilling."
I checked my pockets to make sure that I hadn't forgotten anything for the day, and locked the door.
Man: "So, when are you coming back?"
Rand: "Bud, go find another male ass to rape... I have to go to work, and if you're here when I come back, I'm telling everyone that you're gay... whether it's true or not."
Man: "I told you, it's a power thing!!"
Rand: "Give them another ten years to figure out the whole gay thing before you start any parades for straight males who rape other males."
Man: "You just don't get me; that really makes me want to rape you. Will you be gone long?"
Rand: "I have to go. Have a good day beating off, or doing whatever else you had as a backup plan."
As I started walking down the stairs, the man immediately lowered his head and started sobbing.
Man: "Hey, don't you want to know why I'm crying?"
Rand: "Nope. Bye."

That was a close call... I was very lucky. Unfortunately, he raped me when I came home from work.