Monday, February 07, 2005

the making of 'nuts and bolts'

Narrator: "Nuts and Bolts was a great blog post that forever changed the face of American literature. Although it didn't receive the acclaim it deserved until many years later, from the very beginning, it had a strong underground following. In this documentary, we'll explore the many facets of the development process of this major piece in the puzzle of American culture."

The Making of Nuts and Bolts, a behind the scenes documentary
-directed by Rand Gray

Chapter 1: The Concept

Narrator: "We're here with Rand Gray, the revolutionary conceptualist, who is credited by many for having the brilliance that made Nuts and Bolts such a success."
A few seconds pass by.
Rand: "Am I supposed to talk now?"
Narrator: "Yes, please."
Rand: "Okay. The idea behind Nuts and Bolts was simple. Although I write a pretty serious column, many people only come to my site to get off. Some like to look at the pictures, others find my imagination arousing, and others think I'm mysterious and insightful. Everyone has their own reasons, but about ninety-seven percent of the people who come to my site end up masturbating before finishing reading what I've written."
Narrator: "Mmm hmm."
Rand: "I'm a sex symbol... I've come to terms with that. What that means though, is that I have a duty to my readers. Nuts and Bolts was an attempt to make sure that the kinky ones have something to beat off to."
Narrator: "So, once you decided to design something for your more 'odd' readers, how long did it take you to come up with the concept?"
Rand: "I don't know.. maybe ten to twenty seconds."
Narrator: "It took you that long?"
Rand: *squinting and leaning forward to hear the narrator better* "What?"
Narrator: "That long."
Rand: "What is?"
Narrator: "Never mind, I was trying to be cute. Please go on with telling us about your idea."
Rand: "I already told you about my idea." *looking off to the side* "I only committed to ten minutes... how long am I going to have to fucking listen to thi..."

Chapter 2: Fleshing the Idea Out

Rand: "When Rand comes up with an idea, it's my job to make sure that it's presented in a way that the reader can relate to."
Narrator: "So you're really the mastermind behind the whole process."
Rand: "I'd get fired if I admitted to that, but yeah... I am. 'Mr. Brilliant Ideas' gets all the credit and thus all the money though."
Narrator: "Your role as the designer seems to have been much more pertinent to the creation of Nuts and Bolts."
Rand: "Wait... You're not actually filming right now, are you?"
Narrator: "Well, yes."
Rand: "You can't fucking show what I just said.. you're going to get my ass canned!"

Narrator: "Most of the fleshing out of the idea happened on the subway."
An actor is seen seated in a subway car, surrounded by very tired looking people. He's staring off into space, occasionally laughing to himself.
Narrator: "The entire story was worked out during this time, including the pictures. The designer thought it very important that both the text and the pictures appealed to the regular readers, while still giving the kinky readers something to masturbate to."
The actor playing the designer tilts his head to the left, as if deep in thought, then rights his head again and laughs out loud. He gets a couple angry looks from those around him.

Chapter 3: The Visuals

Rand: "The first picture was emailed to Rand that morning, and was actually what spawned this entire project."
Narrator: "He told me that he came up with the idea to give his kinky readers something to masturbate to."
Rand: "That may have been part of the thought process, but he tends to only be inspired by external or internal stimuli. He's full of shit sometimes, so you can't always listen to him."
Narrator: "Does he really have kinky readers to consider?"
Rand: "Oh, fuck yeah... there are some real sick fucks out there, and most of them gravitate to his site for some reason."
Narrator: "I've never been to his site myself, so I'll have to take your word for it."
Rand: "Heh... sure..."

We now see the graphic artist at his work station. He looks back to speak to the camera.
Rand: "The designer initially wanted to see two pictures aside from the drawings that he gave to me. You know those anatomical sex ed. line-drawings that show the penis inside the vagina? The designer wanted me to find one of those. The idea was to put that up as is, and make a second one that had a hook-dick shoved up inside the pussy."
Narrator: "Interesting... those never made it to the site?"
Rand: "After searching the internet for an hour without finding anything, I told him that it wasn't going to happen."
Narrator: "I'm sure he wasn't very pleased with that."
Rand: "He's a pussy... it's his job to roll with the punches. I tried to convince him to just leave shit to the readers' imaginations, but he kept complaining that his readers' imaginations were far too underdeveloped to be of a fucking bit of use. I wouldn't give in, so he came up with the 'formula pictures' idea. Luckily, I had saved some penis and vagina pictures as I was searching for the combo pic."
Narrator: "Where did the faces come from?"
Rand: "That sick fuck said that I had to use old ladies' faces for some reason... he sometimes says that it was for humor, and at other times, he says that it was to fit the theme of pleasing the kinky readers. Who knows... it's not like he had to actually go through the process of downloading granny porn, looking for the right facial expressions... I was the lucky one to have that job."
Narrator: "Could you show us some of those videos?"
Rand: "I deleted them right away. Boy, you really are a fucking pervert, aren't you?"

Chapter 4: Piecing it All Together

Narrator: "We're now with the writer. Could you please tell us about the role that you played in creating Nuts and Bolts?"
Rand: "I wrote it."
Narrator: "Could you expand on that?"
Rand: "I took Rand's idea, followed the designer's notes, used the graphic artist's art, and wrote it up."
Narrator: "How long did that take?"
Rand: "I don't know... ten minutes."
Narrator: "You've often been credited for the eloquence behind the article."
Rand: "Yeah, I guess."
Narrator: "You have nothing else to say then?"
Rand: "Like what?"


Narrator: "Nuts and Bolts is thought by most scholars and theologians to be one of the most pivotal pieces of literature to have emerged from the twenty-first century. Now that we've seen an 'up-close' look at the genius behind its creation, it's easy to have an even deeper appreciation for the piece."

Stay tuned for 'The Making of 'The Making of Nuts and Bolts''. See the review below:
"Wow, Rand really knows how to kill the shit out of an idea, doesn't he?" -Thomas Warner, New York Chronicle.