Sunday, February 13, 2005

memory vault: Dave's roommate

Only some of the stories that I post on here are even remotely true; this one's entirely true... not much of a story though. Go figure.

The college that I attended immediately after graduating from high school was in San Diego. I went through the arduous process of choosing this college based on poorly thought out recommendations by others, and by narrowing the list down based on each school's distance from the beach. This school was also of such a caliber that I'd be able to get a solid education without actually attending class or learning anything.

I lived in the 'quiet' dorm... which was good, because even there, I harbored a great deal of anger toward people who made too much noise when I was trying to take my naps. In the two years that I was at this school, I went through five roommates, which had me moving around to different areas of the dorm. My first roommate looked like Uncle Fester, and was a chronic masturbator, who would go to work while I was in the room sleeping... well, wishing I was asleep.

Dave was a blind guy who lived next door. He was blind from birth, an only child, was pretty dumb (a common trait among people who went to this school), and was incredibly spoiled. Dave, like me, was a freshman, and this was his first time really having to live with others. Because Dave was blind, he had no conception of the social aspects of nudity. He also had red hair... his blindness prevented him from understanding this extra layer of freakishness as well... poor bastard.

I was unable to explain to Dave that it's not normal to walk around naked, talking to other guys. He'd take offense every time that I gasped in disgust upon seeing that he was standing next to me, with a big pot belly, and a little dick dangling about. I had little patience for his stupidity and personality, which made me a poor candidate to teach him the basic shit that his parents should probably have mentioned. Everyone else was just too stupid to have any luck.

Here's a question that I thought of at the time, which still plagues me to this day: how does a blind man know when he's done wiping his ass? There are only four physical senses at his disposal, and none of them sound pleasant for the 'checking process'. I look at the toilet paper. Listening to it wouldn't help. Did Dave touch it, taking note of its texture? Did he smell it? Did he taste it? Based on his handicap and his personality, I'm guessing that he didn't check at all; he probably gave it a few wipes and called it a day. Blind people learn to count the steps it takes to get to each different location, and I'm guessing that the wiping process followed the same logic. It took Dave five wipes to be done with the process, clean or not.

Dave, like everyone else in the dorm, had one roommate. They had bunkbeds, but Dave's bed was on top. Because he was blind, and it was a task to get up to his own bed, if he was just hanging in the room, he'd sit on his roommate's bed. His roommate didn't always make his bed.

Let's do the math here. Dave was usually nude, didn't effectively wipe his ass, would sit on his roommate's bed, and his roommate's pillow would often be exposed. I broke this down for Dave's roommate the same way, not out of concern, but to see his expression. This story is about Dave's roommate, who had the pleasure of laying his head on Dave's skidmarks every night... until he finally had the sense to move out.