Friday, April 01, 2005

claiming what's mine

As part of my workout routine, I'm supposed to drink a bit of water after every set. The drinking fountain is within visible range of the weight machines at the gym, and shit's pretty empty in the mornings when I go, but there are a bunch of old bastards there, who steal my machines the second I vacate them. They're weight machine scavengers.

This fucked up about two of my workouts before I started bringing a bottle of water with me. I sit there after every set, sipping my water, watching those damned vultures out of the corner of my eye. I don't want to bring a bottle of water though - I don't want to buy the occasional new bottle, I don't want to wash the one I use daily, and I don't want to drink the mosquito eggs and mildew that are growing in it as we speak. I have a solution - I'm smart like that; I'm going to piss on the weight machines.

Old people act on instinct more than us civilized young folks. They shit themselves in public, they complain audibly without restraint, they wake at dawn, and sleep at dusk - they're nothing more than animals. When I piss on something, I'm speaking their language... I'm saying, "That's my weight machine, you old fuck!" They smell that shit, and they know exactly what it means. Their animalistic minds respond to that territorial crap.

Nobody can confront me on it though... I'll claim that I have a disability. These old bastards probably unintentionally piss on the machines... the only difference with me is that it'll be on purpose. If they ask for a note from my doctor, I'll claim that it's a psychological disability. Don't fuck with me... I hate being discriminated against, and it just makes me leak out even more.

I'll probably be an asshole about it too, whipping my dick out, looking over at some old bastard who's waiting for the machine, holding it in just long enough to get his hopes up that I won't be able to squirt it out, then I'll spray every inch of that machine. I'll go to the drinking fountain, come back to find him trying to decide if he should just use it anyway, then I'll push his scrawny ass out of my way (I'll get buff really fast, because I'll have exclusive use of all the weight machines). I'll sit back down on the piss-covered machine, and I'll enjoy every second of it. It really won't smell that bad, because I'll be drinking a lot of water... partially because it's great for my muscles, but also to load up so that I can drench the next machine too.

This really works out, because I like pissing on things. After this makes me stop laughing, which won't be for a while, I'm going to piss on old men in the shower. It's their own fault for being old.