Friday, April 22, 2005


I'm sensing that all of my anxiety stems from a feeling of powerlessness matched with expectation put on me. Usually this sense of impotency regards others or things I don't know. I can work so efficiently within the confines of my own mind, but when I need to draw on existing knowledge that I don't possess, or to rely on others that I can't trust or control, I feel like nothing can be accomplished. I hit this barrier all the time, and it completely halts all momentum.

When I'm in a position to rely on others, I hope that they won't fail me, but I know they will - they always do. Whether my dependence is large or small, that dependence will be what causes my failure. I don't know why, I only know that it's a visible pattern. I don't want to depend on others, but though my talents are strong, they have limitations. If my limitations are recognized and accounted for, I can thrive, but when I'm expected to excel on every level, simply because I excel on some, I'm doomed to fail.

I wish I was able to control others. If all were but extensions of myself, I'd guide them along, pushing them into fulfilling their roles. I'd fulfill my own, and my talents would play themselves out. Like flexing an unseen muscle, I'd cause them to retain their motivation, and would be able to turn my eyes inward, knowing that all else was taking care of itself - that others could be trusted to take care of all they should.

In the meantime, I think I'll just stop trying - this is the only thing truly in my power to accomplish.