the great list of quotes

This is a list of quotes from my posts that sound wonderful when taken out of context. These should be used by you daily in regular conversation.

• "she's eighty-three, and I'll bet her kisses taste like wisdom"
  
• "And the best part... because I'm an orphan, if I die, nobody will even notice!"
  
• "America failed you, Son."
  
• "Stop talking, Jesus... my arm's getting tired."
  
• "Thanks for ruining Christmas."
  
• "This really works out, because I like pissing on things."
  
• "Shawanda has gone elsewhere for her breakfast!"
  
• "Wow, you don't know a damn thing about the elevator business, do you?"
  
• "Eww, your dick's so... normal."
  
• "My friend's mom owns three horses; what a whore."
  
• "'No shirt, no shoes, no mark of the beast, no service'"
  
• "you wanted to stay with me forever, because you were tired of looking for the perfect woman, and I was 'close enough'"
  
• "I have a hooker and a bottle of vodka waiting for me at the hotel, and that vodka wasn't cheap."
  
• "You just don't get me; that really makes me want to rape you."
  
• "I wasn't even trying to kill her... I just wanted to stab her a little."
  
• "Phew... corporate globalization saved my ass again!"
  
• "The race to success somehow got intermingled with the Special Olympics' sprint."
  
• "Wyoming touches himself under the desk while the teacher vigorously erases the blackboard."
  
• "for some reason, making sweet love to a child is illegal"
  
• "I'm sorry, man... it doesn't matter how far you're able to tuck that sucker back... the fact that it's there is a deal-breaker."
  
• "You snooze, you lose, bitch... concussions included."
  
• "She only has one leg, but hey, she's working on that."